May 20, 2017

finding out | baby five

written May 20th

Since my miscarriage in January, I had been using ovulation predictor strips to try and keep up with where I was at in my cycle.  Prior to my pregnancy with Thea my cycles had ranged from 35 days to 50 days in length.  The ovulation strips help keep me from wasting nine million pregnancy tests.  I only had one period after Thea was born before getting pregnant again, so I was surprised that my cycles since the loss had stayed within 33-35 days.

During my fourth cycle since our loss, Elsie started talking A LOT about when we were having another baby.  I told her we couldn't know for sure that there would be another baby.  She would just reply "I know there will be another baby mom.  I just know."  It was kind of odd.  Also, Thea started randomly pulling the "I'm a Big Sister" book off the shelf in the playroom all the time.  It isn't easy for her to reach, I was always putting it back.  Yet every time I'd come in the playroom I'd find it on the floor.  Bizarre.

Soooo... I took a test at 10 days past ovulation (May 10th).  I had a little bit of hope, but really, was expecting a stark white test again.  Much to my surprise, after about two minutes there was the absolute lightest squinter of a line that I have ever seen.  Part of me thought it was all in my head, so I dipped another test.  Same result.  The line was so light, I really couldn't believe it.  And I felt, nothing.  A little bit of fear, a little bit of excitement, but mostly just nothing.  I debated saying something to Christopher, but I just wasn't ready.  All I could think about was whether or not the line would be darker in the morning, maybe it wouldn't be, maybe I caught another chemical pregnancy.  I went about my day, occasionally peeking at the tests again, just to make sure I was really still seeing something.  That evening I couldn't take it anymore, I said to Christopher, "so I might be pregnant."  "Oh yeah?"  "Yeah, maybe.  The test is so light."  I made him look at them, and he didn't give me a whole lot of confidence.  He said something along the lines of, "so where am I supposed to be seeing something?" Oy.  But he did said he could see what I was seeing.

The next morning I took another test.  It was still very very faint, but ever so slightly darker than the line the day before.  On Friday (May 12th) the test was definitely darker.  No longer something that I thought I was imagining.  So I dipped a digital test.  What seemed like a lifetime later, 'pregnant' popped up on the screen.  And a smile on my face.  I finally felt like I could breathe a little bit.  Like maybe this was really happening.

That evening we had plans to go to Top Golf with friends.  Chris said "you know they're going to figure you out."  I assured him I regularly don't drink, it wouldn't be a problem.  But then someone said in a group text, "you better be drinking with us!"  I made up some lame excuse about headaches and taking meds (which, in my defense, I had been having lots of headaches and was swallowing lots of tylenol).  And maybe two minutes after I walked through the door of her house they asked me if I was pregnant.  I don't have a good poker face and I can't keep a secret if directly asked, so bam.  Nine people now know that I'm approximately two seconds pregnant.  HA.  Really it doesn't phase me too much if people know.  I hate secrets.  But at that point (and now), I wasn't ready to openly talk about it.  When other people get excited the little voice in my head wants to say don't be.  You don't know how this will turn out.  I'm working on tuning that out.  And trusting that everything will work out however it is supposed to.

After making it through the weekend, I decided it was time to call an OB and figure out what kind of monitoring we'd be doing during the first trimester.  I couldn't make myself go back to the doctor in town.  The doctor I saw was nice enough, for sure, but I've heard nothing but bad things about another doctor in the practice and I was terrified I'd end up with her at some point, and I already had a negative association with the office, I just couldn't go back.  So I called up my OB's office in Kansas City.  The put in a request for blood work, and on Tuesday (May 16th) I had that drawn.  My HCG came back at 378 and progesterone was 21.  Both perfectly decent numbers for how far along I anticipated I was.  They asked me to repeat the blood work the following week, and from there we could schedule an ultrasound.  I'm hoping along with the ultrasound I'll be able to at least talk to a doctor and figure out if I should be taking baby aspirin or something, or if there is anything else precautionary I should be doing.

Something else to note from the first 10 days of this pregnancy, the girls have been talking about when we have a new baby ALL THE TIME.  It seems to be coming up at least once a day without any obvious reason.  Elsie was playing with Thea and said, "maybe if I'm really nice to Thea, God will let us have another sister."  Extremely cute, but also I desperately hope they don't think their behavior has any affect on whether or not we get to bring home another child.  And then for some reason Ryann and Elsie got into a big discussion about how rooms would work out if we had another baby, and who would help with what, things of that nature.  And both of them just sort of wonder out loud if they'll have another sibling.  Part of me just wants to tell them, because I think they'll find out if something goes wrong.  I don't know that I could hide my emotions.  But the other part of me wants to be able to protect them for as long as possible.  I don't know what to do in that regard.

For now though, I am pregnant.  And praying that this is our rainbow.

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