October 31, 2011

don't judge.

First, Happy Halloween!  I hope Ryann is feeling good enough to do a little bit of trick-or-treating tonight.  She makes such a cute little penguin, I want to show her off.  Ha :o).  Moving on...

Don't judge my music selection that is.  I suppose if you really want to know what I listen to while I run I'll tell you.  Just be warned, most of it is pretty inappropriate.  But more or less I want to feel like I'm rockin' out in a club (because that is totally something I do ALL THE TIME.  ha!).  It is what definitely gets me moving!  Ok not all of them are raunchy, but it is definitely quite the eclectic group of songs.  So here you, go, everything on my workout playlist...

Apple Cobbler, LL Cool J
Be OK, Ingrid Michaelson
Control Myself, LL Cool J & Jennifer Lopez
Chaotic, Brittany Spears
Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Michael Buble
Dangerous, Ying Yang Twins
Do Somethin', Brittany Spears
Dog Days Are Over, Florence + The Machine
Don't Stop the Music, Rhianna
Fire (Yes, Yes, Y'all), Joe Budden
Flavor of the Week, American Hi-Fi
Firework, Katy Perry
Fit But You Know It, The Streets
Fuego, Pitbull
Gettin' Over You, David Guetta & Chris Willis feat. Fergie and LMFAO
Go Girl, Pitbull
Hit the Lights (feat. Lil Wayne), Jay Sean
I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked, Ida Maria
Imma Be, Black Eyed Peas
Jump (For My Love), Girls Aloud
Mercy, Duffy
Move Shake Drop Remix, DJ Lax, Flo Rida & Casely
Ooh La La, Goldfrapp
Party Rock Anthem, LMFAO
Power, Kanye West
Pretty Woman (it's an acapella version I got from a friend, not sure who it's by)
R&B Junkie, Janet Jackson
Sexy and I Know It, LMFAO
She's Freaky, Pitbull
Shake Your Pom Pom, Missy Elliot
Tambourine, Eve
Technologic, Daft Punk
Temperature, Sean Paul
The New Workout Plan, Kanye West
The Way I Are, Timbaland
When I Grow Up, Pussycat Dolls
When You Wasn't Famous, The Streets

Of course I'm always open to new suggestions, but pretty much I have to want to dance to it.  Or it has to be entertaining and have a great beat.  Some people choose their running music based on beats per minute (bpm).  If you are aiming for a certain mph, the bpm can help you keep your stride.  But I REALLY REALLY have to like the song in order to distract myself from the running.

Actually on Friday I ended up covering 3.5 miles outside without any music.  My headphones were refusing to stay on my head so I just gave up.  I finished the workout in 32 minutes (and this included about .5 miles of walking), so I think not having the music actually made me faster.  Mostly because I was really bored :).

What is your absolute favorite workout song?

Please link up your health & fitness related posts below.  Make sure to link back to here!

October 30, 2011

nineteen months

Yep.  Nineteen whole months.  That is how old my baby little girl is.  For some reason it doesn't scare me as much as eighteen months did (maybe because that seems like a big milestone or something) or as much as twenty months does (because then she is WAY too close to two!).  But wow.  Nineteen months.


My little peanut has 2T clothing in her drawers.  What??  Ok so it is only some jeggings and some tight t-shirts, but when did she get so big?  And her size 5 shoes that I was so excited about last month?  Yeah, they are starting to seem a bit small (well the ones from Gap and Target.  The Toms and Pedipeds are just fine).  Apparently someone has gone through a growth spurt in the last two months!  We ran out of size four diapers, and I had a box of fives, so I opened it.  Yeah, they are still big, but they aren't leaking so maybe we will just stick with those... except they look kind of funny under leggings.  Ryann is still working on some teeth.  Man, those things look incredibly pointy and scary.  No wonder she was a huge grump for a while.  Crossing my fingers for a little break before the last set of molars starts to make their appearance.


If I had to describe Ryann's personality over the last month or so, I would say enthusiastic, hilarious, mischievous, stubborn and impatient.  In a nutshell, she has more energy than I can even fathom.  And she is too freaking smart for her own good.  We can't get away with anything in this house, she doesn't miss a beat!  As far as the impatient part goes... holy cow.  She can ask me for something nicely, "milk please mommy," I'll say ok, walk to the kitchen, and a second later while I'm pouring, "MIIILLLK!  MILLLLK!  Want MIILLLLK!"  Yes dear.  I know.  What do you think I'm doing?  Sheesh!  I do my best to talk calmly, "Yes Ryann.  I heard you and I'm getting milk.  Please wait patiently while I get it."  And then she throws herself on the floor and whines.  I don't know what to do.  It is just a phase, it will pass, right?


Thankfully with all of her stubborness, Ryann has been more and more affectionate lately.  She is often willing to dish out kisses and hugs.  Daddy usually gets a great big one when he comes home from work.  She still isn't a real snuggly girl, but I'll take what I can get.


Oh man, our food options are becoming SO limited.  Blueberries, the one thing that used to be a for sure item she would eat?  Yeah, apparently they are the grossest thing ever.  She won't even touch them now.  Strawberries are hit or miss.  Bananas usually end up on the floor.  Peanut butter toast, crackers, and fruit cups.  That is about it.  We did start giving her a multivitamin based on her doctor's suggestion.  It is the highlight of her day and the first thing she asks for in the morning.  Hopefully she will take an interest in trying new foods soon, because this lack of options is really getting annoying.  Oh toddlers :o).


Seriously, one of my favorite parts of the day is listening to Ryann over the monitor when she wakes up in the morning.  I think I've talked about it before, but the things she says are just ridiculous.  Really almost every time she is in her crib I hear something crazy.  This past week it was "Oh, did you pee?  Did you pee a little bit?  Yeah."  Then she proceeded to sing the itsy bitsy spider.  Also really cute, Ryann loves for us to chase her around the family room.  She'll stand in one corner and say "Play I'm uh gonna git you?"  Just the way she says it makes me smile every time.  "I'm uh gonna git you!"


Ryann has finally become interested in being mommy's little helper.  I always would hear about other people occupying their kiddos by letting them get involved with things like cleaning, cooking, etc, but Ryann had no interest.  Now she will help me pick up her toys (most of the time) and is starting to grasp the idea that we have to put something away before getting out something new.  She also likes to get things for me in the kitchen when I ask and LOVES to help unload the dishwasher.  Except I swear she is going to shatter some dishes.  She tries to get everything out with such force, I have to use ninja skills to keep her from throwing plates at me!


We've been working on sharing and taking turns.  Ryann was having a hard time waiting to use slides and such at the little play gyms we've been going to, so I've been trying to get that concept to sink in.  She frequently looks at me with big eyes and asks "Now its Ryann's turn?"  What has been hilarious/awesome is that she is applying the concept while playing with her toys.  Her Little People Zoo has some sort of slide thing on it, she'll put a toy at the top, and then say something like "Panda has to wait.  It's polar bear's turn.  Ready polar bear?  Wheee!!  Ok panda.  Now it's panda's turn."  That has been really fun to watch.


Ryann's love of books definitely picked back up over the last month.  She enjoys making me read the same one over and over and over again before moving on.  If I try to suggest a different book without reading it at least twice she throws a huge fit and yells "Again!  Again!"  I can't tell you how many times I've read the Belly Button Book and Rumble in the Jungle.  At least I really enjoy those ones.  She has also been very interested in her Sweetest Story Bible.  We can spend 20 minutes at a time reading it.  Obviously that isn't a bad thing, it just baffles me that she can be interested in it for so long!


As far as things she has learned lately, I can't think of anything specific that is new.  At 19 months she can recognize all her letters, sing the ABC's (along with several other songs), count to 20 in English, count to 10 in Spanish (most of the time), recognize 10 different shapes and all of the basic colors, point to and say all major and some minor body parts, she can recognize tons of different animals and make their noises, she can spell her name (as long as you start her off with the R) and sometimes Kansas (Chris and I have a lot of Kansas Jayhawks shirts)...  Her vocabulary continues to be more or less infinite, and when she hears a new word she instantly tries it out/tries to figure out exactly what it means.  We've been working on understanding and appropriately using yours, mine, I, you, me, etc.


I love you so much my little Ryann Elizabeth.  Bring on another month of excitement! 

week in iphone pics

I swear whenever I go to write these posts, I can't believe it was just last week.  Some of these things seemed like they happened forever ago!


Ryann thinks the bike rack outside the gym is a tunnel to play in.  If she is lucky enough to be walking (not carried) when we leave she runs straight for it.  I'm really liking this forward facing in the car thing (we were in a parking lot, NOT driving, fyi).  I can talk about what I'm seeing and she can usually see it too.  Car rides suck a little less now.  We had a dinner date at PF Changs with some friends.  Ryann enjoyed playing with some chop sticks, but refused to try any food.  And she thinks being outside in the dark is one of the coolest things ever.


We started our day with a pumpkin patch trip (well actually we started at the gym, but I think that is a given these days).  At lunch Ryann decided it was an awesome idea to dip her bunny grahams in ketchup.  And it must of been good because she ate a ton of them that way.  Yuck.  Ryann was obviously a big help while I watered flowers.  We left a little message on the driveway for daddy.  And bath time is just so much more fun with daddy, she loves it.


A Toys 'R' Us catalog came in the mail so I gave it to Ryann.  She got really excited about anything that looked like a castle.  I have no idea where she developed a love for castles...  Looking pretty stellar on the way to the Plaza.  We had a fun little photo sesh while Grammy did some shopping.  Grammy brought the penguin costume, man I have myself a cute little penguin!!  And you know, just organizing her army of little minions :o).


Whew.  Finally got in a workout/run that felt GOOD since the half.  Still a walk run combo, but I ran one of the miles in 8:20.  I'm hoping to throw in an 8 minute mile in the next couple of weeks! Pumpkin painting, oh so much fun.  We definitely need to do more arts & crafts, she had such a good time.  At lunch she cheesed it up so I could send a cute picture to daddy.  After a rock star nap (like 3 hours or something) we got to work on our pumpkin snickerdoodles.


Ryann was determined to get her own bags out the door for school.  When she realized she couldn't pick them up she just pushed them around the house.  Damn freaking squirrels.  I never knew squirrels ate pumpkins.  I'm incredibly glad we didn't waste our time carving them.  A little girl in Ryann's class brought sugar cookies for everyone.  I thought about just giving them to Chris, but decided Ryann and I could share them instead.  I think she approved of my decision.  We took a little trip to Target (why not right?).  Ryann picked out some stickers, I picked out a mini magnadoodle.  I thought it would make a good car toy.  Ryann told me she was drawing penguins.  I love her.


I dragged Ryann into the kitchen so I could clean because she was taking FOREVER to eat her breakfast.  Probably because she wasn't feeling so great and opted to act goofy instead of eat.  I cured that (kind of) with a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while I finished packing for Grammy's house.  Ryann was pretty pleased when we got there, she had her Grammy, a new book and new stickers.  Major score.  A little retail therapy was necessary when I realized I forgot a bra (I was in workout gear when we came, packing fail), so we had lunch in the food court.  My mom is a rock star, putting the finishing touches on my Halloween costume.  I meant to go to bed early, but had a little fashion show for myself... enjoying my new Old Navy coat.


Ryann slept until 7:30.  I'm sure that is still early for some of you with children that sleep like teenagers, but it was amazing.  Too bad it is because she is a little sicky right now.  We had a little stamp marker fun, and indulged Ryann in some more Mickey since she is feeling super crappy.  Not too crappy of course for a trip to Target.  Too bad you can't really see her adorable boots.  We tried to go to a Halloween party where my dad's band (yep, he is in a band, and dressed as Woody) was going to play.  But Ry only last about 30 minutes or so before she was asking to go to Grammy's and go to bed.  Poor girl.  We made sure to try on our new hat before getting in the bath though.  Can't wait until I get some better pictures of it, the hat is SO cute.

Linking up with instaFriday and our week by iphone.

October 29, 2011

this and that

::  Ryann is coming down with something.  So far she is doing alright, just a runny nose and such, and maybe the slightest fever yesterday.  Obviously you never want your kiddo to be sick, but I haven't seen her this calm or cuddly in a long time.  She isn't grumpy or overly clingy, but she happy sat in my lap and snuggled and is just kind of hanging out.  Like she doesn't have the energy to throw a fit about the things she usually would.  I kind of love it.  But I hope she feels better soon...

icky feeling baby toddler...
...cheered up by Mickey Mouse.  stupid mouse.  why does she love you so?

::  I attempted the sock bun curls.  First time = giant fail.  I tried putting the bun in three different times.  It is tough with thick layered hair!  And when I woke up in morning, big giant fro.  It was kind of a disaster.  I could see how it could work, but it definitely didn't work for me.  And I don't know how much trying I really want to do.  I think if I did it at the end of the day, when my hair isn't so poofy, maybe that what help.  This time I had attempted it after taking an evening shower.

yep, i have a massive bum.  oh wait, bun... curl fail.

::  While attempting to take a picture of the back of my head (which I was unsuccessful at 99% of the time, that is hard, how do people do it?) I turned around to find this:


I always let her play with my make-up bag (obviously the reason why most of my make-up is broken) but she has never actually gotten the different things open.  Until now of course.  She was so cute and SO proud of herself, sitting there putting on make-up like mommy.  I tried to take a picture of her bright pink cheek (she did the same one over and over again), but she wasn't having it.


::  I have got to figure out how I can look decent throughout the day.  Usually we are rushing somewhere after the gym so the best I can do is put on normal clothes.  My hair is generally still a disaster and I often don't have on any make-up.  And when those things aren't done it seems useless to put too much thought into my outfit.  But I hate that.  I DO care about my appearance.  I don't want to sit around in sweats all day looking frumpy.  I've pinned too many cute outfits for that!  :o).  Just need to figure out how to quickly get my hair from gym hair to day hair.  What do you do?

Screen shot 2011-10-29 at 6.15.54 AM

::  The fall pinterest challenge was issued over at Young House Love.  I've been needing to get my craft on lately.  Really, needing it.  So this would be the perfect kick in the butt right?  Except we're at my parents house until midday Monday, so I'd have to figure out what I want to do and make it happen pretty quick.  I mean I'm sure it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get it done by Wednesday, but I try and follow the 'rules' most of the time.  :o).  Two things I'd like to try?  Ruffled kitchen towels and a blinged out camera strap.  I could have my mom help me with the kitchen towel (I need to learn how to sew!)... Hi mom!  The only problem with the camera strap, is that I love my current one so much.

1.  pinterest via here; 2.  pinterest via here; 3.  pinterest via here

::  I'm loving the 'search this blog' feature over there.  Why I never added it before I'm not sure.  There is probably some easy way to search your archives, but I was always doing a little guess and check poking around when I wanted to link back to old posts.  Now I can just search what I want in that little box.  Much better.

::  Ryann is 19 months old today.  Craziness.  Hopefully I'll have her 19 month post up tonight or tomorrow, but well, don't count on it.  I haven't even started it.  And I don't know where to start!!

Have a GREAT Saturday.

October 28, 2011

pumpkin snickerdoodles & some changes

Oh good morning!  Notice anything different around here?  I hope so.  Please ignore the fact that the blog reno is half finished and that stuff probably doesn't work.  I'll get there eventually.  I just needed something different.  Like two months ago.  Stuff about the other layout was driving me nuts and I couldn't figure out what code I needed to edit.  But I'm proud to say I'm learning more about css and html!  Well kinda... I can google and copy and paste what people tell me to.  That counts right?

Moving on, this morning I'm here to share pumpkin snickerdoodles with you.  I LOVE baking.  Love it.  And I love baked goods.  But unfortunately I'm on this stupid eat healthier kick :o), so I've been trying to restrain myself.  I decided I could bake something once or twice a month to send with Chris to work.  There are an abundance of people in the hospital, so surely I wouldn't be imposing on someone's waistline too much, unlike what it would do to me if I had all 3.5 dozen cookies at home.


When I asked Chris if he had any requests, he told me a med student interested in the hospital, who was on his service or something, was allergic to nuts.  Considering the fact that I think 95% of the recipes I pin include peanut butter, nutella or walnuts, my options were limited.  I was reading off various recipe names and pumpkin snickerdoodle caught Chris's attention.

For once I baked something near perfectly, and these cookies are incredibly soft.  The taste is good, but I didn't really get any sort of a pumpkin kick.  Boo.  Nonetheless, they really are good.  If anyone knows how to make them a bit more pumpkiny let me know.  For the record, I actually made this recipe exactly as written.  You can find it here!

October 27, 2011

embrace the camera {play dates}

No, life is not all puppies and rainbows.  But we do keep our mornings busy which keeps me more or less sane.  We have Jenn and JT of course, but thanks to an attempt at being part of a mommy group, we also met a wonderful nanny who cares for an adorable set of twins just a couple months older than Ryann.  We are the same age and our personalities seem to mesh pretty well :o).  I am so thankful for Sarah.  Without her I know we would not get out of the house near as much.  This week we got together twice and had lots of fun.

On Monday, along with Jenn and JT and another mommy/son pair (boys, all boys, all the time.  sorry Ryann!) we made a trip to the children's farm.  But instead of wandering around all the stinky pigs and goats, we went on a little horse drawn wagon ride to their 'pumpkin hollow'.  The first thing we found?  A giant trough or something full of corn.  I think Ryann would have stayed there forever.  She loves to scoop and pour things.

Another hit was of course the giant slide.  Unfortunately you had to climb quite the tower of hay bales to get to the top, which equaled me hauling toddlers up there while Sarah was at the bottom to catch and keep everyone wrangled in one area.  Ryann would have done that a million times too, if I wasn't already sweating my butt off after like the first six trips.  Oh Kansas weather, it was like 80 degrees on Monday, 50 something yesterday.

not interested in taking pictures with me, obviously

Play date number two of the week was yesterday, and we headed over to the boys' house to paint our little pumpkins!  I wasn't sure what Ryann would really do.  The only painting she has done was at the children's discovery center.  The last time I tried to get her to paint with her hands was father's day, and she acted like I was torturing her.  But this time?  She absolutely loved it.  She was rubbing her hands together pretending she was washing them (ironic, no?), smearing paint all over her pumpkin and just having a great time.  She sat there happily painting after both boys had moved onto other activities.

ryann painting her hands instead of the pumpkin, of course.
my focus is way off, but can you see her little smile?  so happy.
she wanted me to come paint

Thanks Sarah, our play dates really are the highlight of some of our days!

October 26, 2011

a day in the life - laura

Good morning lovelies.  Thank you for all of the heartfelt responses yesterday.  Getting it out there helped get some of the weight off my chest, and hearing from you all definitely lifted my spirits.  THANK YOU.  I am working on ways to embrace the joy in my days (because there definitely is some) and reminding myself over and over again our situation is only temporary.  The end of the tunnel seems far away, but it will be here before I know it.  I hope...

Whew!  Enough about me.  Today is all about Laura!  I hope you enjoy a peek at her day wrangling three little ones.
Hey there! I'm Laura and I am a stay-at-home wife and mamma to three kids. I blog about
my crazy and random life over at cutesiesweetsies.blogspot.com.
I blog about health, kids, recipes, budgets, and anything else that comes up in my life.
I've been married 7 years and have a three year old daughter, a two year old daughter, and a 6 month old son.
Yes...life is crazy. And life is so amazingly good!
Below is the most recent and decent picture of me. 5 months ago!
It also may be the last time I actually fixed my hair! Just kidding...but it is rare that you find me
without my hair tied on top of my head :)

Here is a peek at a typical Monday in my life....

6:30 AM: Philip is off work today, so he gets to avoid a typical 5:45 alarm clock. Nathan usually starts rustling around in his bed. When he gets a little more restless I get up and decide to feed the little guy. Usually he goes back to sleep for another hour or two after eating. Today he played in his bed a little while, but never went back to sleep. So he got to hang with us more than usual.
7:00 AM: We hear shuffling footsteps on the carpet outside our door. The little girlies make their way into our room and crawl into bed with us. "Watch Caillou?" Natalie whispers. She is two but sometimes she talks like she is 35. We gladly turn on the TV and the girls lay with us watching the cartoon while we snooze a little longer.

Our little Cutesiesweetsies :)

7:45 AM: The girls are like clockwork. They are ready to eat eggs, toast and a banana. They eat breakfast and we usually eat what they eat and we sit at the table with them. We pray and say the blessing about 6 times (Brooklyn age 3 is a little OCD and likes the blessing to be perfect).
8:15 AM: Time for the girls to get dressed. I am trying to teach them to make their beds...surprisingly they enjoy it. ha! We play in the living room with blocks for a LONG time. They love blocks. Especially the blocks from "Jenga". :)
8:30 AM: Nathan is ready to eat again. So I feed him and he goes down to sleep for about an hour and a half. He is a very good sleeper! The girls continue to play with blocks while Philip goes outside and mows for the last time this season. Yay! He also decides to clean the garage (which is pretty clean anyways). So the girls go and hang in the garage and play while I do laundry and clean up the kitchen.
10:00 AM: Nathan is awake. I bring him out and put him in the high chair with some toys. I continue doing laundry and make some granola. The girls are still out in the garage, but if P was at work they would be playing inside with me and Nathan.

11:00 AM: Nathan eats some sweet potatoes and a bottle. By 12:15 he is ready for another nap! He sleeps until 1:15.
12:00 PM: The girls and P come in and all are ready for lunch. We eat fresh ground peanut butter sandwiches with grapes. Nothing fancy :) Everybody hangs out and plays in the living room for a couple of hours. We referee fights over cups and the girls argue over if the noise outside is a helicopter or an airplane. The girls sing to Nathan before he naps and then go make a mess of their room.
2:00 PM: the girls go to their room for rest/naps. Everyday I make sure they are in their rooms for quiet time from 2-4. If they dont fall asleep they look at books. (They giggle too...which is super cute). I play with Nathan or he plays in the exersaucer until he takes another nap around 3. This time he sleeps 2 hours.
That means I get almost 2 hours for myself because the girls DID fall asleep! Philip went to run errands.
I usually lay down because our oldest daughter is such a restless and loud sleeper at night and she keeps us up quite a bit. By 2 PM I am so tired. So I rest/sleep too.
4:30 PM: Philip is back so we hang out and watch TV a little. (Our latest DVR show we catch up with is "Hey Dude" from the 90's...how cool are we????) We get dinner going (pancakes tonight) and we get the girls a little snack when they wake up.
5:00 PM: A Dinner of pancakes and fruit! Nathan eats too after waking. We basically spend the entire evening outside in the backyard. Philip and I chill and sit outside while the girls dig in the garden, "mow the lawn", and run around. They still continue the ongoing debate over whats in the sky- the helicopter or the airplane. Oh...and we have to determine where its going.
7:00 PM: Nathan eats and goes to bed. The girls take a bath and watch Caillou again...ugh. We pray and they are in bed by 8:00 PM usually!
8-11 PM: Philip and I catch up on DVR shows, play scrabble and talk. We have "at home date nights" most every night. Its our favorite time of day :)
11:30-12 PM: we go to bed. I fall asleep within 2 minutes. I love sleep :)

(Tonight while we were outside, Natalie decided to eat the dirt from the garden.)

Our life is simple, but we love it that way. We are all about family. We love each other and we love to spend time with each other. We make the most of each day and we love life!!!
Thanks Ashley for letting me share!

My favorite baby item: I loved the bouncy seat. All three slept in a bouncy seat probably the first month of their lives. It cradled them and vibrated and it kept them elevated (Which helped because I had three spitter uppers.) Right now my double jogger is my fave. Strollers are a must in my life :)
My advice: Do what is best for your family. There are way too many opinions, guilt trips, and people ready to tell you what is "best". Trust your instincts. You know your family and baby best. If it makes someone else upset its ok. Remember that its your business how you build your family. :)


Thank you, Laura, for sharing your day with us!

October 25, 2011

perspective can be a little funny.

Forgive me.  This is a bit of a debbie downer post.  But I know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes, and occasionally you just really need to let it all pour out.  No worries, I've interspersed some cute pictures of Ryann to make the emotional vomit a little more bearable.

I'm struggling.  I'm struggling to be happy right now.  I don't know why.  And this happens to me more than I would like.  When Ryann was born, if you put it all down on paper in my eyes I would have hit the life jackpot.  I had a handsome loving husband who would do almost anything for me, a family who takes care of me and supports me in whatever I do, we had a beautiful little home and now the perfect little daughter (I suppose that is my opinion of course, but I'm the mother, I'm entitled to that one :o) to add to the mix.  As my friend Jackie would like to call it (lovingly of course), just a 'stupid perfect life.'


So when I should have been on cloud nine, why was I dissolving into tears at any given moment and unable to sleep because I was shaking from so much anxiety?  You could say it was just the fact that I was a new mom, and just had a case of the baby blues, but I don't think that completely describes it.  I think I was depressed, but I was so embarrassed by it, that I couldn't really tell anyone.  I wouldn't.  How could I be depressed when nothing in my life was all that terrible?

she has a thing for being 'upside down' these days

Part of it was Christopher's schedule.  Being the wife of a med student/resident is tough (I know it isn't the only profession that creates difficult hours and such, but this is all I know).  When Ryann was born Chris got two days off.  I believe with the rotation he was on he also had some weekend days off so that was nice, but two days.  He was with me in the hospital Sunday night (when my induction began) through Tuesday evening.  Thankfully my mom came to stay Tuesday night in the hospital with me, but she was going through some stuff at the time and couldn't be with me on Wednesday.  I was alone in the hospital with my brand new baby completely lost and confused.  Chris picked us up and took us home in the evening, but was gone again bright and early the next morning.

the toms are already incredibly well worn.  i guess we were warned that they aren't really play shoes.

I think I laid in bed for half the day on Thursday, my sleeping baby to my left, a box of tissues to my right.  One minute thinking to myself 'what have we done.  i am so alone.' while the next minute hating myself for having such a thought.  All my life I've wanted to be a mother.  The precious little baby next to me was amazing.  She was beautiful and perfect.  Why couldn't I just freaking sit there and enjoy it and soak in every minute of her amazing newborn-ness.  We were so lucky that she was more or less completely healthy.  What more could I want?

she insists on putting things in her mouth after I tell her not to...

Eventually it got better.  I found a joy in the blogging community and made some online 'friends'.  I started to branch out and get out more.  I didn't feel so alone.  We settled into more of a routine.  But then Chris's schedule would get hard again and I would sink back into that unhappy hole.  And go through the vicious cycle of being unhappy and then hating myself for being unhappy all over again.  I want to provide an amazing life for my daughter.  I want to be completely present in her life.  I wake up every morning with the intention of making it a great day.  I tell myself I can do this.  I can be a great mother, a great wife, I can do it all.  But when 4:30pm rolls around and I know I still have another 3.5 hours or so of flying solo, I start to drift off somewhere, I get lost in the unhappy corners of my brain.

... and is somehow still surprised when it tastes gross.  silly girl.

Right now the thing getting to me is the holidays.  He opted not to request off Thanksgiving (and as far as I know, will be working), because in December Christopher was supposed to be on a rotation where he wouldn't have to work the 24th-26th (the clinics aren't open on the 26th or something).  It worked out perfectly for us to travel to Nebraska and see my dad's side of the family.  Then they switched his schedule around, and now he will be on an ER rotation.  Obviously the ER doesn't get holidays or weekends off.  And they have to submit vacation requests 90 days prior to a rotation or something.  I of course threw a fit, and thankfully he has the 24th and 25th off.  But I'm still all wound up about it because it means we will either be spending part of Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day in the car with a toddler who absolutely HATES being in the car, or we won't be spending the holiday with the rest of my family.  Why can't I just be happy that he will have the holiday off? 

And then I read posts like this that lead me here and I hate the inner workings of my mind a little more.  Perspective is an amazing thing.  My daughter is thriving.  She is smart and funny and adorable.  Yes, life can be exhausting.  Christopher works long hours and let's face it, Ryann is a toddler.  That is tough.  She is constantly climbing on to things she shouldn't, refusing to do stuff I want her to do, being stubborn and testing her limits.  But she is healthy.  She has (God willing) and entire lifetime in front of her.  More or less as do I.


The best I can do is keep starting each day telling myself it is going to be a great day.  I can pour my heart and soul into being the best mother I can possibly be for my daughter.  She deserves that.  I just hope that at some point I can find that drive and strength at the end of the day too.  Because the days may be long and tough, and not every day is going to be the greatest.  But there is most definitely a little bit of good in every day.  Ryann reminds me of that constantly.


And Christopher?  I'm sorry that this sounds like a lot of it falls back on you and your schedule.  Just know that I love you with all my heart (ok you have to share it with Ryann, sorry).  I know the crazy long hours are only temporary.  It will get better.  I apologize that you get the brunt of this most of the time.  I LOVE YOU.