August 6, 2017

sixteen weeks | baby five


written August 6th
how far along:  16 weeks (compare to 16 weeks with Ryann, Elsie, and Thea)

size of baby:  Perhaps a dill pickle, but I feel like those can vary in size quite a bit.  I don't think the app has actual measurements on it which drives me nuts, because the older girls always want to know "but like really, how big is she mama?" 

weight gain: Last time I checked, which was earlier this week, it was +5 pounds.  But I also had a craving for bread and butter the last two days so.....  

maternity clothes:  I found my maternity shorts!  So yes.  Not fighting it anymore and enjoying letting my waist breathe again.

symptoms: Some headaches and tiredness, but overall not too much going on.  I do get some round ligament pain here and there.

exercise:  I've tried to do two videos a week, plus a daily walk or run.  Still nothing extensive, but moving none the less.  It has been hard when I wake up with headaches because bending over just makes my head throb.

cravings/aversions:  Fruit and bread with butter.

movement:  Not yet.  Last night I might have maybe possibly felt a tiny twinge, but I think I imagined it.  Or it was gas.  Who knows.  I'm hoping in the next two weeks I'll be able to really feel something!

sleep:  I've been falling asleep on the couch or in one of the kids beds and then waking up in the middle of the night.  Overall my sleep is ok, I just need to actually sleep in my bed.  And naps feel so good.  

gender:  Girl

looking forward to:  Our ultrasound, which is still like five or six weeks away.  Even though that doesn't guarantee this pregnancy will go to term, I think if we have a healthy report at the ultrasound I'll feel like I can really move forward with what we need to do to prepare for this little girl in our life.  It's going to be a bedroom shuffle around here.

worries:  Last night that I dreamed I was in the hospital to have a D&C.  I haven't really had any dreams about miscarriage or anything this pregnancy, so it caught me off guard and scared the hell out of me.  Thankfully I was able to find her heartbeat right away with the doppler, but it still just left me feeling a little vulnerable.

best moment this week:  On Friday I posted this picture on social media...


Honestly I had intended to share our news in my 14th week, because the belly was starting to take shape, but, it just felt scary to actually put it out there.  Despite several people already knowing.  I'm not ashamed or scared to talk about the pregnancy, or my miscarriage, but that doesn't mean it is easy to start either conversation either.  I've had a difficult time connecting to this pregnancy, despite truly wanting to embrace it.  I'm sure that is completely normal.  But I still feel so detached.  Putting it out there, it just makes the whole thing so real, and now I have to face it a little more head on.  I'm excited to be expecting, there is no doubt about that.  But I don't think I'll really truly relax until I'm holding my girl.

All that being said, the loving and warm responses I received definitely filled my cup, and I appreciate it so much.  So thank you, everyone, for showing myself and my family so much love.  The internet and social media can be a dark and evil place, where people feel as though they can say anything to anyone.  But it is also a community filled with loving and caring people.  Thank you thank you.

I did want to mention that I was also apprehensive about 'announcing' on social media, because I know it can be a trigger for people who have also dealt with miscarriage, or infertility, and many other things.  But for myself, personally, I would much rather come across an announcement on my social media channels than find out from someone in person.  I appreciated having the time to process and feel in my own way before having to have a conversation about someone's pregnancy face to face, whether it be with that person directly or in conversation with a friend.  I also wouldn't want anyone to cover up their joy and happiness, simply to protect my feelings.  Though it may be hard for some, every new life deserves to be celebrated.  If it is too tough to handle, look away.  Unfollow.  I absolutely don't blame you.

Again, thank you to everyone for your support.  It is very much felt and appreciated.

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