May 30, 2013

mama memoirs: i'm tired.

I'm a good mom.

My children are fed, clothed and bathed.  They are my world and I love them fiercely.  I make sure they are taken care of.  I am a good mom.

But I'm not the mom I want to be.  I'm not the person I want to be.

I'm struggling.

I know Elsie is still so young, and in a short while life will look so much different.  I know Ryann is at a trying age and is head strong and that isn't my fault.

But I'm tired of just surviving the day.

I hate myself for being short with Ryann.  I know that only makes her push back harder.  But in the heat of the moment when she is testing the very last of my paitence, I snap.  I can't stop myself.

I can't tell you the last time I did a craft with her, or the last time we worked on learning any academics.  Are those things necessary?  No.  But I WANT to do them.  I just haven't managed to figure it all out yet.

My house is always a mess.  I rarely wear make-up.  The same two laundry baskets full of random crap have been sitting on my bedroom floor for longer than I can remember.  I just don't know what to do with the stuff that's in there.

By the time my husband gets home everyday, I'm almost always in a crappy mood.  I'm sure he dreads walking in the door daily.  We don't spend enough time with each other.  After the frantic evening circus of playtime, dinner, baths and bed I retreat into my own head, not wanting to talk or do anything.  Hoping that Elsie will miraculously sleep past 2am.

I want so badly to make good on my New Year's resolution.  I want to be happy and enjoy life and my kids and my family.  But every single day I let something drag me down.

I don't know what it is going to take to get out of this funk, but I hope I can figure it out soon.



   

 

23 comments:

Leah @ ThreeFites said...

Have you talked to your doctor? Go get your blood work done, make sure there's not something going on. There are lots of folks out here rooting for you and loving your updates. We want to see you feeling good!

Whitney said...

I'm sure you read this, but I want to make sure. It's so timely... http://www.thenatos.com/2013/05/on-being-american-mother.html

I'm not a mom yet, but I was inspired by it. And I'm constantly inspired by you. I see what a good mother you are and also how hard you work at it. This funk will not last.

Love you.

Amy said...

I totally feel for you. You are doing a great job and this is a TOUGH season. Keep plugging away...and yes, talk to your doctor. I want to tell you it gets easier but you know that and that is not helpful. All I can say again is it is HARD. Don't underestimate how hard it is and make yourself feel weak. You are a strong Mama doing what you need to do to take care of your kids. The laundry baskets can wait!

Brandi said...

You are being way to hard on yourself! You are a mom one of the hardest jobs in the world. Who cares if you have clothes on the floor are you house is a mess. Eventually you will clean it up. Get out of the house and enjoy your girls.

Tammy said...

It is crazy hard with 2 little ones. It took me until my little guy was 8 months old to be able to honestly say things were getting better (sorry if that's a big fat negative, just my perspective and I try to be optimistic most of the time! And if I'm being completely honest, my exact words, through tears were "I HATE every day!" Ouch. I thought there was something wrong with me, that it shouldn't be "this hard", but it was.) Married to a physician, like you, much of everything that makes up our day-to-day life inside the home falls on us. You will get through this rough part; don't put too much pressure on yourself. My motto was "Just survive", and hey, so far, we're all still alive ;-) It will get better!! Sending you hugs and support - you are not alone.

Paige said...

This is so familiar to me. Especially the part about being cranky with your husband. I know no one wants to come home to that, but some days that's just how it is. And when my son is asleep, that's my quiet time too.

Being a mom is hard and we do the best we can do. When Elsie starts sleeping more, things will get better. But until then, just remember all the things you do right everyday and that's amazing in itself.

Meredith said...

I totally could have written this post. TOTALLY. You're not alone--this is a hard adjustment and a hard stage.

I'm seriously at the point where I only put like 3 things on my to-do list a day. And sometimes, one of those 3 things is like "take a shower." ;)

Meagan said...

I second Whitney ... Completely... What a great article!!! I struggle with this concept too, but don't we all ;) take the pressure off a little! You're a great mom! Ryanns smart ... Very smart, so don't worry about planning lessons. And Elsie's still in her 4th trimester, so she's not quite "easy" yet. Soon enough you will look back at this blog you just posted and remember that it was just a season, a fleeting one at that. But seriously ... We all know this "job" of parenting is the hardest... EVER, but you have nailed it. Give yourself some much needed credit!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this, first time commenter, long time reader. I have two small kids as well, and sometimes....it's hard!!

Cait said...

I felt the SAME way for the first four months after my second child was born. He is 9 months now and my daughter is almost 2 1/2 and I am happy to say I have come out of that foggy season. It's still not easy, but it does get better and we are happy! These are seasons in life and you will get through it. Your kids and family know you love them and you are probably doing a better job then you think! If its all you can do to get through the day, it's all you can do. You are doing a good job, mama!

fifth house on the left | family blog said...

i could have written this myself. it's hard with two babes. some days, i feel like "i can do this"! other days, i feel like i am a total failure and i'm not a good wife, mother and keeper of the house. i'm still trying to figure it out with two babes 18 months apart, but i'll get there and so will you! you are a fantastic mother. it's ok to feel like this, we all do at times. you will get through these days with flying colors. you are truly inspirational and i admire all that you do for yourself, husband and babies. you are an amazing woman mamma! :)

Kristal said...

I totally get it, Ashley. I don't have any real encouragement, I just want to say that I understand.

Mandy@ a sorta fairytale said...

I don't have much to say other than #1) I can totally relate. This phase you are in is HARD! and #2) I promise it does get easier.

I hate being that person that leaves blog links, but this might encourage you a little:
http://www.asortafairytaleblog.com/2012/08/it-gets-easier-i-promise.html

Kiara Buechler said...

This is very similar to my Mama Memoirs post for today. I think our experience is pretty common and I have faith that it WILL get better!

www.buechlerbeat.blogspot.com

maria said...

Hugs!

Adrienne Noll said...

Sounds like a touch of post-partum depression -- time for a trip to the doctor! Get some help, it won't be forever, and it will really help.

ashley said...

Hey Ash..I love your words and honesty. The truth is we are all just doing the best we can. Somedays are harder than others but you're right...you are a good mom! Perhaps you need to make time for yourself. Shop, get your nails done, anything where you can relax. I get my nails done every 2 weeks and love my quiet time. Also rediscovering you, and fueling your passions and interests. You are more than a mom and wife, don't lose that. Honestly that's one of the reasons I love Stella & Dot so much bc for 2 hrs a week Im me and doing something I love!
And lastly, everytime I notice I'm getting short with Tyler I know that's a sign we need a date night. Bc if we aren't a strong team than everything else will start to crumble.
You are a good mom. You are a good wife.
I know you have family here but I would be more than happy to take the girls for a few hrs.
*hugs*

Rebecca said...

I am in a very similar situation right now! My almost 3 year old daughter is more challenging than ever and my 5 month old, while a very good baby, requires a lot of me every day. My hubby is in med school so he's gone or studying all. the. time. and lately I've just not been the mom I want to be. It's really been challenging me to the max, but also stretching me to trust God in new ways. Some days just outright SUCK and I don't lean into God the way I should, but I know He's there and cares for me and I'm trying to turn my mistakes and shortcomings over to Him.

Thanks so much for being honest with your struggle. Sometimes from way over here, I see your beautiful pictures, cute girls, amazing parents and badass fitness regime and I get bit by the envy bug. But at the end of the day we're all mom's walking the hard road and there is such solidarity in that.

I know we'll get through this! :)

Baby Mama said...

I could have written each one of these words! Hang in there!

Renata C. said...

Less than 2 weeks ago I wrote this: http://www.bebeblueberry.blogspot.ca/2013/05/slipping.html
Know you're feeling this way out of exhaustion!! lately I often feel like I'm not even myself anymore... I sometimes think that my toddler drives me crazy on a daily basis because every time he pushes my buttons, it is a reminder that he is being a bit neglected, and that really bothers me. The Ipad and TV are getting more use than I'd like lately. BUT, I find that a dose of extra affection goes a long way, when he's being good, I make an effort to remember to be EXTRA affectionate with him, to make up for my mistakes, and the time I just don't have to spend with him sometimes. I think kisses, hugs and kind words will make up for those shortcomings more than glitter and glue. That makes both of us feel better, and the rest of it will just have to be part of growing up and becoming an independent little person.
I KNOW what you're going through, and I KNOW how you feel. Motherhood is often SO underappreciated. But I know you are trying your best, that's all you can do. That, and patting yourself in the back every now and then, dirty laundry and all, for raising TWO HUMAN BEINGS. The "job" with just about the greatest expectations in the world.

The "L" in ELF said...

Quit reading my mind! ;)

No, for real mama, you are doing an amazing job. The kiddos are at odd stages, they will try our patience, the laundry will pile up, and we will be ashamed of ourselves, but right now, in this moment, in this phase of life, you do what you can. You survive, you recognize what needs to change, and you start small. Don't move mountains mama, just start climbing.

Laura Railing said...

Ah my post is a little similar to yours. It's hard. But parenting is one of the most rewarding things too because it's so hard. Create some relief moments. Moments where you guys can laugh and make memories but that don't take a ton of work. Shaving cream art to clean the table ;-) painting in the tub. Sprinklers outside. Sidewalk chalk paint. Take some time for you too. We do a lot of putting on Netflix (if he earns his shows) so I can have some peace and quiet while the youngest is napping. It saves me so much!

amyluna said...

I have been there. My daughter is 4 and my son is almost 2 and it has been a lot of work but it will get better! As parents we all struggle and we all have work to do but just do what you can the rest can wait.