keeping it real

We're in the trenches over here.  There is simply no denying it.  Instagram makes me feel like I should have it all figured it.  That I should be working out and baking and showering and taking care of my kids and somehow sleeping and keeping a clean house in there too.  I know, I KNOW.  Comparing my days to someone else's pretty edited little squares is stupid.  It's so easy to do.  I know I'm not the only one who is struggling to remember to brush my teeth and make sure my kids have on clean(ish) underwear.

Kid.  Not kids.  Because I've still got two in diapers.

ANYWAY.  So this is real life right now.

It is too many days without showers.  It is carry-out pizza for dinner.  It is stepping over markers and papers and necklaces and giant dinosaurs.  It is pacing my driveway in the dark of the evening to try and make the screaming stop.  It is eating too many peanut m&m's because they help me cope with my feelings (don't even start with me on eating my feelings).  It is dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.  It is unmade beds.  It is a mountain of dishes on the counter.  It is feeling like I'm not taking care of any of my kids as well as I should be.

There are moments when I feel like I can't breathe.  When Thea is screaming because she is hungry but we have to wait for the bus and I don't don't want to whip out a boob in front of the neighbor kids.  And Elsie is crying because she wants different shoes.  And Ryann is crying because I won't let her go in and color a picture for her friend (because the bus is coming any minute and I am NOT driving your butt, sorry kid).  Those moments when they all need me RIGHT NOW and I feel like I can't help any of them.  The weight on my shoulders is so heavy.

But the difference, this time?  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, it will get better.  It was about this age with Elsie that I was feeling the same things.  I wrote this post.  And now whenever things seem really hard, I go back and read it.  It helps me keep everything in perspective, and remind me that I will come out the other side of this season just find.

And also?  This is real life right now too.

It's seeing my oldest love my littlest with all her itty bitty heart.  It's first days of 'school' with great big smiles.  It's an afternoon nap with a baby on my chest.

Every single day there is at least one point where I want to throw in the towel, to cry uncle.  I think I'm not cut out for this whole mommy thing.  But then I say screw it.  Screw the pile of laundry and the chores.  And throw on some Pandora while Elsie and I make muffins and dance around the kitchen.  Forget the make-up and go for a run instead.  I'm celebrating errands where nobody cries and patting myself on the back when we get places on time.  The victories may be small, but they are my small victories and I'm going to be damn proud of them.