safe and sound

One night last week I was rocking Elsie to sleep.  She had been fighting sleep ALL DAY, barely giving me a minute to spend on anything else, let alone myself.  I stared down at my clothes.  Honestly?  I couldn't remember the last time I'd changed them.  I'm pretty sure I had worn them, slept in them, and worn them yet another day.  There was a pile of laundry in the corner that needed to be put away.  Curtain rods sitting on the floor waiting to be hung.  A dirty diaper that needed to make its way to the trash.  And that was just in Elsie's room.

I was beyond frustrated.  Angry that I didn't have the time to do the things that I needed and wanted to do.  I thrive on schedule, routine, order.  I get anxiety when I'm not in control.   Babies and toddlers?  They don't care.  While Elsie drifted in and out I googled 'getting your baby to sleep', 'how to get a six week old to sleep', 'getting your baby on a schedule'.  Desperately seeking some information I might not have read before.  Ignoring what I knew to be true, that this is a phase and sleep and schedules and routine will come.  And then my phone moved on to the next song in my playlist...

Can't believe you're here now
Tiny dream come true
The answer to a prayer now
I'm so in love with you
Couldn't wait to meet you
Hope you like your name
I get the funny feeling
Life will never be the same

Safe and sound
You're here with me now
Like I'd hoped you'd be
Safe and sound
You're here with me now
And that's all I'll ever need...
'Safe and Sound', Matthew West 

Tears welled up in my eyes.  A year ago I would have done anything to trade places with my sleep deprived self.  I was aching to be pregnant.  So badly wanting a newborn baby to hold.  To add another piece to our family puzzle.  For a moment I completely forgot how much I wanted to be right there in that chair, rocking my sweet baby.  Those clothes would still be there in the morning.  Elsie doesn't care if her curtains aren't hung.  But Elsie?  Will never be this old again.  She is going to grow much faster than I want her to.

Of course it is hard to see the bright side, the big picture, when I'm running on fumes, my house is in shambles and I can't remember if I've even brushed my teeth today.  But the truth is life is exactly what it is supposed to be right now.  Snuggling Elsie is really such a treat, I can't wish it away.  I need to savor it.

Jumping to a different but similar topic... I've been lucky, this time around breastfeeding has been incredibly easy in regards to pain on my end.  And Elsie took to it like a champ, gaining nearly three pounds in a month.  Yet, even though it has been easy, it really hasn't been enjoyable.  We're still on the fence about whether or not Elsie has reflux, every feeding comes with tears and spit up from her and frustration from me.  It is hard to feel like it is a positive experience when it is by no means comforting to her.  She often seems frantic at every feeding.  She'll choke and seem frustrated.  I know that a strong let down could be causing the issues, and I'm doing my best to combat that, but overall it seems like nearly every feeding is a pathetic circus.  But I have no excuse to give up.  Like I said.  Overall it has been easy for me, and Elsie is very healthy.

The one thing I am grateful for about breastfeeding?  (Besides of course the lack of bottle cleaning, I don't miss that one bit.)  It has forced me to sit down and spend time with Elsie.  Had we opted to go the bottle and formula route, I have no doubt that I often would have passed her off to someone else for a feeding so that I could play with Ryann or get something done.  It would have been so easy to do.  So even though nursing doesn't give me the warm fuzzies by any means, it is indeed a time for Elsie and I to bond in its own way.

Being a parent is incredibly hard.  You don't have to give up who you are, but you definitely have to give up a lot of your self.  Sometimes every day I feel like I'm failing. But when I really stop and take it in, the feel of Elsie's head nuzzled under my chin, the weight of Ryann's hand resting on my leg while I read a story, it is all worth it.  I love my babies.  I thank God they are here.  I will keep them safe and sound.  And that is all we need.