it's so different

I really really really didn't want my blog to become neglected after Elsie was born.  For multiple reasons.  One, I want to make sure I'm still documenting as much of our lives as possible.  Not because I think the interwebs really want to read about what we did on this day or that, but because I want my kids to have a peek at what life was like when they were little.  I also get a little sad when bloggers disappear after they have a kid.  Not mad, I mean I completely understand, more so now than ever, but I miss their posts!  Yet here I sit with no saved drafts and no time to blog and I'm sure posting is going to be sparse for a while.  Two kids is kind of time consuming.

Nonetheless, I actually had something I felt like posting about, and both kids are sleeping (for maybe 10 more minutes) so quick, lets write...

Honestly?  I can't believe how different taking care of a baby has been this time around.  With Ryann, I was beyond stressed out about every little detail.  I'm pretty certain I suffered from postpartum anxiety, but in general I was just paranoid that I was going to do something 'wrong'.  I couldn't handle letting her out of my sight.  I didn't trust anyone but myself to take care of her.  The first night we were home from the hospital with Ryann, I laid in bed staring at her, shaking, afraid to go to sleep, because I knew I'd wake up and she would be dead or something.

Miss Elsie Jo, 1 Day Old

This time?  Completely different.  In the hospital I instantly fell in love with that girl.  All I wanted to do was stare at her and soak in every bit of her newborn perfectness.  No joke, it was probably like the second time I fed Elsie that I looked at Chris and said, "Oh shit.  I suppose we should check her diaper or something, make sure she doesn't need a fresh one."  I completely forgot that you know, we needed to change the kid's diaper.  I think we were home from the hospital a good three or four days before I remembered that we needed to bathe her.  #secondchildsyndrome

With Ryann, I absolutely could not stand hearing her cry.  It killed me.  Her first sponge bath at home she screamed and screamed... my mom ended up helping Christopher give her a bath, I took a few pictures, and then hid in the bedroom with my hands over my ears so I didn't have to hear her.  Elsie hated sponge baths too.  When she cried I laughed and told her to toughen up.  Now that might be slightly thanks to lack of sleep, but mostly I just know that she is fine.  Just because she is crying doesn't mean the world is ending.

I get it.  You're hungry.  Just a quick outfit pic honey!

Now don't get me wrong, I still don't like hearing either of my babies cry.  But now I can easily process the fact that tears do not equal tragedy.  I'm not anxious about every squeak and grunt.  As long as she is fed, I trust that pretty much everything will be ok with Elsie.  She was only five days old when I left her home with my mom to take Ryann to MDO.  A big deal?  No.  But I never would have done that with Ryann.  I just couldn't leave her.

Of course I still worry about stuff.  Breastfeeding seems to be going great, but it is strange to me to not know exactly how much she is sleeping.  And I worry about if my actions now are going to make Elsie a good or bad sleeper (mostly because sleep was always a sore subject in this house when Ryann was a baby, and it still can be).  But overall, when it comes to Elsie, I am 100% more relaxed than I was when Ryann was a baby.  Craziness.

And the bigger wee one just came barging out of her room.  Time to go!